Character Quest

2005-08-31T21:50:00.000-06:00

BEARD RESEARCH

I ski (XC) in the winter. I run in the winter. I cycle in the winter. I have a beard. People have been saying, "A beard keeps you warmer."

Sure it sounds good, but has anybody ever really tested this theory? In the interest of science, I thought of cutting off my beard for a winter to determine if it would be colder without it. Thinking about it for a while, I realized that this was no good. Maybe it would be a warmer (colder) winter this year. Maybe I would forget how cold (warm) it was last year.

I needed a control! Another person was no good; their perception of cold may not agree with mine. I had only one choice. Shave half of my beard.

2005-08-30T05:26:00.000-06:00

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

I was shocked and surprised when I saw the sign at your Amarillo, Texas restaurant (the one on Western Avenue) advertising “Senior citizens: buy one get one free.” Besides the potentially terrifying consideration of where you might be obtaining the elderly people whom you are offering to give away, never have I seen such a trivialization of the value of human lives, much less human lives endowed with such a wide gamut of experience and wisdom. It is an outrage that our preceeding generations should be cast about with such little regard for their actual worth.

2005-08-26T22:02:00.000-06:00

LOSERMOBILES

Yes This Car Still Drives!
I have seen this car moving on the road. This is another classic Losermobile, with faded paint, rusted roof. Looks like it was abandoned in 1974 fuel shortage.

2005-08-24T21:54:00.000-06:00

IAN’S SHOELACE SITE

How many possible ways are there to lace an average shoe? This simple question, when answered with mathematics, results in some surprisingly big numbers - on an average shoe with six pairs of eyelets, there are 1,961,990,553,600 ways to feed a shoelace though those 12 eyelets.

2005-08-23T21:20:00.000-06:00

WIN ONLINE ARGUMENTS

Criticising your opponents spelling or grammar will make you look pedantic. Far better to deliberately misread a message, then follow-up with an utterly incongruous statement. And if they make a factual error - no matter how small - make sure you're on hand to remind them of their error as often as possible.

2005-08-22T21:35:00.000-06:00

THE UNH PROJECT

A collection of guttural moans from comics

2005-08-21T20:32:00.000-06:00

KUNG FU QUOTES

1. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
2. Gun wounds again?
3. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
4. A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.

2005-08-19T21:22:00.000-06:00

PRIME NUMBERS R US

Welcome to Prime-Numbers.org. we provide small prime numbers list. You can browse all small prime numbers(small than 10,000,000,000) here. There’s totally 455042511 prime numbers.

2005-08-18T20:45:00.000-06:00

HELL MONEY

Hell Bank Notes come bundled in various numbers, depending on the currency. The paper ranges from smooth and thin to coarse and thick. The huge denomination notes were printed on low-grade paper—cardboard-like in consistency—such as this $2 billion note.

2005-08-17T20:21:00.000-06:00

REALLY BIG BUTTON

Welcome to the most unusual artifact to be discovered on the Superhighway de la Informatique : the really big button that doesn’t do anything. Developed in early ’94, labelled as the Mystery Spot of the Internet, thousands flock to this button every day, pushing it, attempting to get it to do something; all in vain.

2005-08-16T18:16:00.000-06:00

SOVIET FOODSTUFFS

I’m afraid I cannot identify any of these dishes, apparently originating from the former United Soviet Socialist Republic circa the ’40s or ’50s. A world-traveling friend of my sister’s was in the Ukraine when he liberated a profusely illustrated cookbook and smuggled it back into the U.S. Sadly, I do not have access to the original book — these are but hurriedly made copies of only some of its pages. But even if the colors are off and the book’s center crease sometimes shows, these disturbing images reveal an array of food items that were perhaps used as a form of government-sponsored oppression. We can only be thankful that the liberating era of glasnost brought more civilized Pizza Huts and McDonald’s to this beaten nation and that such forms of brutality are (hopefully) no longer part of this world.

2005-08-15T19:54:00.000-06:00

IRISH CURSE ENGINE

English: May God choke your mama.
Irish: Go dtachta Dia do mhamaí.
Phonetic: guh DAHKH-tuh JEE-uh duh WAH-mwee.

Out of town. Back on August 13.

2005-07-08T22:46:00.000-06:00

2005-07-07T09:49:00.000-06:00

BACON STRIPS BANDAGES

Ouch! That smarts! Treat your minor cuts, scrapes and scratches with the incredible healing power of a designer bandage from Accoutrements. And if a fancy bandage isn't enough to dry up your tears, how about a FREE TOY! Each comes in a 3-3/4" tall metal pocket tin and contains a small plastic trinket to help make even the ouchiest owies feel all better in no time. The 3" x 1" Bacon Strips are cut to look like small slabs of bacon. Fifteen per tin.

2005-07-06T21:19:00.000-06:00

HOW GAY IS YOUR WEBSITE?

Test it now! The gay-o-meter will tell you in a second. Just enter the URL and push that button. You go girl!

2005-07-06T19:29:00.000-06:00

THINGS THAT DON’T EXIST

A successful chinese-Canadian that has Asperger's syndrome and learned to deal with it without help from anyone.
A dog that smells good when it gets wet.
A board game called Richard Rance in The Pants
Post 14715, at the time of this posting
A person who shook someone's hand and thought it was like shaking a wet fish, and then looked down and saw that they actually had a wet fish growing off their stump arm
A person who went to SCS and said 'No'.
A total of the list so far minus any postings that include that guy whose name starts with an R and rhymes with "pants".
Richard Rance's dancing pants
dry rain
Olfactory Puns

2005-07-06T18:25:00.000-06:00

POSTAL EXPERIMENTS

Having long been genuine admirers of the United States Postal Service (USPS), which gives amazingly reliable service especially compared with many other countries, our team of investigators decided to test the delivery limits of this immense system. We knew that an item, say, a saucepan, normally would be in a package because of USPS concerns of entanglement in their automated machinery. But what if the item were not wrapped? How patient are postal employees? How honest? How sentimental? In short, how eccentric a behavior on the part of the sender would still result in successful mail delivery?

Testing the Limits

We sent a variety of unpackaged items to U.S. destinations, appropriately stamped for weight and size, as well as a few items packaged as noted. We sent items that loosely fit into the following general categories: valuable, sentimental, unwieldy, pointless, potentially suspicious, and disgusting. We discovered that although some items were never delivered, most of the objects of even highly unusual form did get delivered, as long as the items had a definitely ample value of stamps attached. The Postal Service appears to be amazingly tolerant of the foibles of its public and seems occasionally willing to relax specific postal regulations.

Procedures

Our research staff began the project by obtaining and reviewing relevant information on USPS regulations and discussing, in a limited and very hypothetical manner, the planned project with USPS 800 number personnel. A group of mailable objects was then assembled, stamped with abundant postage by weight and size, and mailed at public postal collection boxes (when possible to cram the object through the aperture) or at postal stations (if possible). A card was strapped to the object with duct tape or stranded strapping tape, and postage was affixed to the card, except as otherwise noted below.

Senders and receivers were interchangeable; the mailings were double-masked to conceal the identity of our mailing specialists, and gloves were used to prepare the mailings (to avoid fingerprints). In no case was a return address given; each object either went forward to its destination or was lost to follow-up. An object was considered lost if it was not received within the 180-day study parameter. All objects were sent first class using five-digit ZIP codes to actual domestic addresses, and the number of days to delivery were recorded (excluding postal holidays). The condition of the object upon receipt was also recorded, if it had changed, as was any unusual communication, verbal or written, from the postal carrier or counter clerk.

Out of town. Back on June 26.

2005-06-11T11:27:00.000-06:00

2005-06-09T22:00:00.000-06:00

VIRTUAL CORN

Virtual corn maze: I was bored at work today, so I went in the maze... it was too scary for me, so I quit.

2005-06-09T21:19:00.000-06:00

GARY’S PAGE

Hello, I’m Gary Duschl of Virginia Beach, Virginia, current record holder of the world’s longest gum wrapper chain.

2005-06-09T10:53:00.000-06:00

MUSEUM OF HAIR

When Leila Cohoon tells people she owns a hair museum, they envision old curling irons, hair dyers, and other such tools. However, this is not the case.

There are 159 wreaths and over 2,000 pieces of jewelry containing, or made of, human hair dating before 1900.

According to Cohoon, “It could possibly be the only hair museum in the United States, maybe the world.”

2005-06-08T21:55:00.000-06:00

ANTI-ALCOHOL MUSEUM

Welcome to gallery of anti-alcohol posters from Soviet propaganda era.

2005-06-08T19:27:00.000-06:00

DIMES MUST DIE

Dimes are the stupidest form of currency ever invented. This web site is dedicated to my utter hatred for Dimes. My goal is to eliminate Dimes from society. I ask that you send me all your Dimes so that I can use them to fund an anti-Dime movement.

2005-06-08T12:45:00.000-06:00

WASH AWAY YOUR SINS

When you are weary and suffering the wrath of a pasty tongue, “Mother Teresa Breath Mist” can purge the demons of bad breath. Be merciful to thy friends and neighbors. Two quick spritzes on the tongue bring forth the heavens of freshness and part the turgid seas of an afflicted mouth. Glory and victory to all with fresh breath. Let us be thankful.

2005-06-08T10:11:00.000-06:00

SLICKVILLE

SlickVille is a cybertown where the residents show off photos of their slicked hair -- razor sharp parts, big pompadours, tight side fenders, meticulously combed DAs, and hair plastered straight back. It’s a town that is stuck in the early years of Rock ‘n’ Roll and even before in the days of Rudolph Valentino. There’s a barbershop on every corner serving up a hefty greasing with pomade or a soaking with hair tonic.

2005-06-06T21:36:00.000-06:00

SPACE CROSS

The Mission: To put a 2-inch cross in space to orbit around the world. This is made from the cross that Arthur Blessitt has been carrying around the world. He is in the Guinness Book of Records for “the world’s longest walk,” now 300 nations, island groups and territories for a distance of 36,200 miles (58,256 km) This is one and one third the distance around the earth! On foot!

Now as an extension of that walk on foot around the world, a 2-inch cross made from that very cross will be put in space orbit above the earth. A cross made from the only cross carried around the world will become the first cross put in orbit around the earth! All Glory to God.

2005-06-06T20:34:00.000-06:00

TATTOO CENTRAL

Welcome to the Web’s definitive home for fan tattoos. Here you will find the most comprehensive collection of Star Wars, GI Joe, Transformers, comic characters, Anime and toy-related tattoos known to mankind.

2005-06-06T18:31:00.000-06:00

DICK CHENEY FAN CLUB

Take a respite from arguing about politics policy. Let’s talk about something we can all agree upon: The beautiful human being that is Vice President Dick Cheney.

2005-06-06T17:28:00.000-06:00

LOST SOCKS

Here are some of the loneliest socks in the world.

2005-06-06T16:12:00.000-06:00

THING IN A JAR

Pictured above is the Thing in a Jar that’s usually sitting in my office at work.

The coolest thing about the Thing is that everyone responds to seeing it by asking questions. Where did I find it? Is it an internal organ? Is it some sort of fetus? Would it go well with pasta?

2005-06-05T22:38:00.000-06:00

JUST A THEORY

The Periodic Table has problems.

2005-06-05T21:36:00.000-06:00

EAT FRUIT

So far, we have reminded 17002 people to eat fruit.

2005-06-05T19:57:00.000-06:00

MAIL-ORDER CHICKENS

The site for people who love chickens.

2005-06-05T17:58:00.000-06:00

HAPPY POSTER PROJECT

Download your favourite poster(s) from the selection below. Print/photocopy as many copies as you think you’ll need. Put one up at work or home. Then walk down your local High/Main St asking shop owners and managers if you can put a happy poster in their window.

You’ll feel a bit silly at first; that’s to be expected.

If anybody asks you why you want to put a poster up, or what the poster is for, tell them: “I want to make people happy!” Try not to look too crazed when you do this.

2005-05-21T23:16:00.000-06:00

BIG BOVINE

Take a virtual tour of Salem Sue: the world’s largest Holstein cow.

2005-05-20T17:28:00.000-06:00

JESUS SWIMMING BY

You’re sitting at your computer, minding your own business when, suddenly, Jesus swims by.

2005-05-19T20:58:00.000-06:00

TV DINNER GUIDE

It’s Monday evening. You’ve had a hard day at work. You’ve managed to make it home through grueling traffic jams. You open your freezer and what do you see..........?

Nothing?!?

Not a problem. You tool down to the local supermarket and survey the great wasteland known as the TV dinner aisle. It is here that confusion, curiosity, and ignorance merge together to cloud the “bachelorean” sense of judgment.

The following guide is provided as a public service to my fellow comrades...

2005-05-18T21:56:00.000-06:00

CLEAN AND UNCLEAN

It is not unlawful to swallow the food that exits from between the teeth as a result of flossing if one’s nature has no aversion to it.

2005-05-18T20:04:00.000-06:00

MYSTERIOUS PEOPLE

Who are these people?

2005-05-18T18:24:00.000-06:00

339 PUKE SYNONYMS

Abdominal voorheaves
Appetizing the audience
Bail the rail (mung overboard!!!)
Barf
Barf mulch
Bark at the moon
Bark like a seal
Bark'n up breakfast
Barking at the ants
Bending and sending

2005-05-17T21:54:00.000-06:00

GRAVES OF THE FUTURE

Every human has a unique fingerprint, an original voice and a personality entirely their own. It seems so strange that the memorials crafted to honor these unique individuals are so uniform and pay little homage to the person remembered. With so many cultures and histories, individual quests and life pursuits, shouldn’t we have a diversity of options to remember our beloved? Lundgren Monuments creates handmade translucent cast glass memorials as an alternative to the traditional granite and bronze headstones.

2005-05-14T21:41:00.000-06:00

DUMPSTER DIVING

Scenario 1: You are driving down the street and see a perfectly good object on the curbside. Are you willing to stop and toss it in the trunk?

Scenario 2: Your neighbors toss out their newspapers in the recycle bin. Are you willing to pick up extra coupon inserts from their bins?

Scenario 3: You are bored one night and looking for something fun to do. Are you willing to venture into dumpster diving for cheap entertainment?

2005-05-13T13:03:00.000-06:00

THERE IS NO OTHER

Treat Your Mother Right (with Mr. T)

2005-05-12T17:12:00.000-06:00

KRAZY AD CHARACTERS

A glimpse, perhaps a dream.

2005-05-12T12:58:00.000-06:00

BOOTLEG TOYS

What are bootleg toys? Well, they are counterfeit or knock off toys. Often, these toys are not made with any safety standards at all. Don’t let your kids play with bootleg toys. Bootleg toys really are kinda dangerous for children.

2005-05-11T22:08:00.000-06:00

THEY FIGHT CRIME!

He’s an obese moralistic paranormal investigator with a passion for fast cars. She’s a bloodthirsty insomniac journalist who hides her beauty behind a pair of thick-framed spectacles. They fight crime!

2005-05-11T20:59:00.000-06:00

PERSONAL RESTROOM

The Restop Personal Lavatory System is like carrying your own portable bathroom stall, without the weight (or the wait).

2005-05-11T20:02:00.000-06:00

AMERICA’S THE BEST

Everybody, who thinks America is not good, is just jealous!!!

2005-05-02T22:23:00.000-06:00

BUMPER STICKERS

I Park Like an Idiot!

2005-05-02T21:16:00.000-06:00

WE LOVE CLOUDS

At The Cloud Appreciation Society we love clouds, we’re not ashamed to say it and we’ve had enough of people moaning about them. Read our manifesto and see how we are fighting the banality of “blue-sky thinking.” If you agree with what we stand for, then join the society for a minimal postage and administration fee and receive your very own official membership certificate and badge.

2005-05-02T17:46:00.000-06:00

MULLET MARATHON

In 2002, a mullet commando unit was sent to a hair stylist for a crime they didn’t commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security salon to the Orlando underground. Today, still wanted by the fashion police, they survive as runners of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can catch them, maybe you can run with the Mullet Marathon.

2005-05-01T19:58:00.000-06:00

EMAIL GALLERY

How does the fraud work? The bait is the fictional millions of dollars described in each one of these letters. The goal is to get you to come up with money for the “expenses” required to transfer those millions to you. The victim thinks, a few hundred or a few thousand dollars is trivial when $31 million is at stake. Each demand for more money is claimed to be the very last obstacle before the big money is released. Sometimes, the victim is lured to Nigeria, where even worse things happen.

2005-05-01T17:39:00.000-06:00

POLITICAL BIAS

Just enter some text, in English, and Wordcounter’s Political Vocabulary Analysis will statistically measure the document’s vocabulary to try to predict its political leanings.

2005-05-01T08:33:00.000-06:00

BREAD IS DANGEROUS

Research on bread indicates that:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

2005-04-28T20:36:00.000-06:00

DESTROY THE PLANET

Destroying the Earth is harder than you may have been led to believe.

You’ve seen the action movies where the bad guy threatens to destroy the Earth. You’ve heard people on the news claiming that the next nuclear war or cutting down rainforests or persisting in releasing hideous quantities of pollution into the atmosphere threatens to end the world.

Fools.

2005-04-28T19:16:00.000-06:00

LIVEWRONG

The purveyors, or perpetrators, of LIVEWRONG suggest you represent what you want, when you want, how you want. Buy a bracelet. It is what it is. Use it as a paper weight or a cat collar. It is all up to you.

2005-04-27T20:50:00.000-06:00

BALD R US

Encourage men everywhere to “Just Say No” to rugs, drugs and plugs.

2005-04-27T19:17:00.000-06:00

POPE TOAST

Before we even turned on the news or opened the paper this morning, we knew that the Vatican had chosen a new pope. How? Well, as we were making toast for our breakfast, a puff of white smoke issued from the toaster. Then we were amazed to find what was surely a sign from on high: a piece of toast emblazoned with the unmistakable image of Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, the new Pope Benedict XVI.

2005-04-27T11:00:00.000-06:00

HOW TO SPEAK PROPER

As a rule of thumb, we equate “correct” New European vocabulary with “Victorian English.” It is also appropriate to pepper the character’s speech with equivalent expressions from another language if s/he is not actually British. The list shows the “proper” Falkensteinian usage versus the modern-day American equivalent.

2005-04-26T13:33:00.000-06:00

GARBAGE-CAN FUN

Along with a new year comes a new version of CrazyKent.com! Sure, it’s already a month into 2005, but that’s no reason to not have a new site for the new year, right? Tons of new fun is here for you to enjoy and for me to keep hard at creating. This new version still has a ton of work that needs to be done for it to look and feel the way I am trying to achieve. Either way, I’m happy to have this online as it is because it makes me smile. I like smiling, and I like making you smile! It’s just so fun.

2005-04-26T06:09:00.000-06:00

FOOD ANOMALIES

Two visions of evil — in pancake form! There Fritz was, making the Euro version of pancakes (thin... served with jam & ice cream) then, as he tells it: “as I poured the last of the batter I unwittingly released Evil Pancake, aka Mr Pancakeohead. Shudder... You can almost hear his demented cackle and you can clearly see his snag tooth and chin wart.” Wisely, he did not consume this evil specimen.

2005-04-25T20:18:00.000-06:00

READY-MADE EXCUSES

Things go wrong — which is awfully annoying of them — and then comes the really difficult thing: explaining what happened. What do you do when the old excuses (my dog ate it, it’s in the mail, mistakes were made) have been used once too often? Why, you come to Metaverse for one of 3.6 million different convincing, ready-made excuses!

2005-04-25T13:02:00.000-06:00

ICIM STUFF

I can’t; I’m Mormon.

2005-04-25T09:07:00.000-06:00

YOGI BERRA QUOTES

If you ask me a question I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.

It ain’t the heat; it’s the humility.

It’s deja-vu all over again.

You should always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise they won’t come to yours.

The only reason I need these gloves is ’cause of my hands.

You can’t think and hit at the same time.

2005-04-25T06:00:00.000-06:00

EVIL OVERLORD LIST

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

2005-04-19T11:03:00.000-06:00

FLATULENCE-D

This product will eliminate your flatulence odor problem as soon as you start using it.

2005-04-18T08:56:00.000-06:00

PORTA-LUNG

The Porta-Lung provides noninvasive ventilatory support for long-term respiratory patients who need more portability than the iron lung allows, while maintaining the same level of ventilating efficiency.

The Porta-Lung’s complete body coverage provides a level of efficiency that is equal to all other forms of negative pressure ventilation.

2005-04-16T22:49:00.000-06:00

HEROES OF THE TORAH

This item is temporarily out of stock.

2005-04-16T22:13:00.000-06:00

SUGAR BUSH SQUIRREL

Being an International Superstar and The World’s Most Photographed Squirrel, Sugar Bush loves to dress up, and has over 1,000 outfits with matching hats and accessories. Sugar Bush Squirrel has her own, posh studio with an elaborate stage and thousands of stage props, and has posed for over 1,000 photos since her modeling career began. As News Anchor of SNN-The Squirrel News Network, she has turned the catch phrase, “you’ve been squirreled” into an overnight success. It is fast becoming her very own, international, household expression.

2005-04-15T22:31:00.000-06:00

PAPER PLATE PROJECTS

Make an astrolabe-like instrument to measure the altitude of celestial objects.

2005-04-15T21:32:00.000-06:00

BOO BERRY

Many of you probably get up and go to work to the same job and do the same work every single day. Now, all of this is fine and dandy, but for as long as you can remember you’ve had a strange feeling that something has been missing from your life. You can’t put your finger on it, but you just have this feeling that you're life is incomplete. Something is definitely missing.

Could it be a healthy breakfast that is capable of turning your mouth blue?

2005-04-15T20:13:00.000-06:00

NADA

NaDa™ is a new concept. A thought, really. It is very light : 1 byte. It doesn’t take long to fetch. It doesn’t take long to understand. It doesn’t disturb your habits nor does it makes you feel insecure. It is a reassuring piece of software that does nothing, and does it very well. That’s a lot!

2005-04-15T19:00:00.000-06:00

PAGE NOT FOUND

C:\> query result: error - 404

2005-04-14T17:00:00.000-06:00

RATE THIS CARDINAL

Has this Prince of the Church GOT WHAT IT TAKES?

2005-04-12T21:27:00.000-06:00

FINGER TRICK

Tonight I hit upon a shocking anatomical secret: your fingers, if photographed in a certain close up way, are practically indistinguishable from pictures of thighs and buttocks.

The world could use a good laugh right now, so have at it!

2005-04-12T19:34:00.000-06:00

MISUSED QUOTATIONS

You’ve “seen” them.

Maybe on a sign at the “grocery” store, maybe in an ad in your “local” newspaper. Perhaps even in a “memo” that circulated throughout your company.

They’re quotation marks, and they turn up in the strangest of places.

2005-04-12T18:06:00.000-06:00

BREATH AWAY

Finally, the power of napalm in a mint.

2005-04-11T20:44:00.000-06:00

REMEMBER WHEN?

i used to believe is a collection of ideas that adults thought were true when they were children. it will remind you what it was like to be a child, fascinated and horrified by the world in equal parts. the following pages will reassure you that the things you used to believe weren’t so strange after all...

2005-04-11T13:40:00.000-06:00

GERMAN RENTAL

rentagerman.de offers a wide range of Germans for your personal and social needs.

You can select the German of your choice for an exclusive lifetime experience: Imagine to appear with your German at parties, family events, or just hang out with them at the local shopping center.

No matter which occasion you choose, you will surely impress your environment by presenting an original German.

2005-04-11T11:31:00.000-06:00

VIVID COLORS

How about synchronizing your pets with your favorite colors?

2005-04-11T09:37:00.000-06:00

DEADLY TOYS

One of the great things about toys from a while back was that they were made with one thing in mind, playability. Sure, they may have had lead paint, or would blow up in a kid’s face, but they sure were fun. Once the Consumer Products Safety Commission got their mitts on everything, it all went downhill. Toy guns were spray-painted orange, and the sharp edges of everything have been rounded down to safe boring nubs.

2005-04-10T22:10:00.000-06:00

MICHAEL’S NOSE

After years of modification it seems to have finally given up! Do you know what Mr. Jackson’s nose looks like now? Do you remember what it used to look like?

2005-04-10T21:17:00.000-06:00

WHICH CHEMICAL AM I?

Aristotle was a wise man, but he greatly underestimated the number of elements that we would need to rationalize 20th century science. This test is going to figure out which 20th century element you are... and there are many. This test has been rigorously not-tested, and so you have my apologies if you all end up something lame.

2005-04-10T14:22:00.000-06:00

GROCERY LIST COLLECTION

View other people’s grocery lists.

2005-04-09T23:29:00.000-06:00

WIENERMOBILE NEWS

Everything you’ve ever wanted to know about everybody’s favorite wiener-on-wheels, the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile™ Vehicle! What is it made of? How has it changed over the years? And what in the world is a Hotdogger anyway?

2005-04-09T17:14:00.000-06:00

POKEY THE PENGUIN

Pokey, look. It’s a boxing glove, possessed by the Devil!

2005-04-09T15:32:00.000-06:00

MR. COLLECTION

Welcome to the Howie Green Design “Mr. Collection” - a collection of photos and images that showcases how the American sense of etiquette and style is ingrained into our culture...we even name our products and businesses in a formal and proper manner.

2005-04-09T13:03:00.000-06:00

WHOOPEE CUSHION

Please click me.

2005-04-08T21:28:00.000-06:00

DENNIS FOR POPE

In order to stimulate the global economy, I will lower the standard tithing rate from 10 percent to 9 percent. And no, there will not be a lower rate applied to income from stock dividends and capital gains. There is no place for trickle-down economics in a church.

The archaic rule prohibiting the consumption of meat on Fridays was initially enacted at the behest of the fishing industry. Although this edict has been scaled back in recent years to encompass only Lenten Fridays, it is time to do away with it altogether. The oceans are already overfished, and some modern diets rely on meat as an essential protein source. If I am elected, I vow to be an Atkins-friendly Pope.

2005-04-08T12:46:00.000-06:00

THE UNCYCLOPEDIA

Air Guitars are similar in shape to normal guitars, with the notable difference that they are made entirely out of air. Air guitars typically have 6 strings and 24 frets. Although acoustic air guitars are available, electric air guitars are by far the most popular.

2005-04-07T17:42:00.000-06:00

SOUP JOKES

ONCE UPON A TIME, a waiter brought a bowl of soup to a customer...and it had a fly in it.

What was it doing in the bowl? "Looks like the breaststroke, sir."

Badaboom. Not very funny.

What if it's a dead fly? Then the waiter says, "Well, you asked for something with a little body in it." Or, "It must have committed insecticide." Or, "Yes, sir, flies aren't very good swimmers."

And what if the customer merely exclaims, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" Then that witty waiter might say: "Don't worry, sir, the spider in the bread roll will get it." Or, "That's possible, the chef used to be a tailor." Or, "Now that fly knows a good soup." Or, "No, sir, that's the essential vitamin bee." Or, "Don't worry, it's not hot enough to burn him."

Worse and worse. Are you detecting a pattern here? These jokes are not funny.

2005-04-07T06:19:00.000-06:00

ANIMAL NOSES

The lovely tapir photography is courtesy of Sheryl Todd, Ingo Behrmann (the photographer), and the Tapir Gallery, which is part of the charitable Tapir Preservation Fund. Check ’em out! The hallelujah cow nose, the Florida softshell turtle nose, and the horse nose are courtesy of Cubes; Laura took the one of the yak tongue, the ferret is Bronski’s ferret (RIP), and the rat was Hugh’s rat (RIP).

2005-04-06T17:41:00.000-06:00

PIECE OF PI?

Pi Day openly promotes the celebration of mathematics education, the collective enjoyment of mathematics, and the ageless, multicultural interest in pi. Educators, students, and parents are encouraged to join together in a variety of public activities, expressing in imaginative ways, their passion for the longstanding creative nature of mathematics.

2005-04-06T13:32:00.000-06:00

ENGRISH

Engrish can be simply defined as the humorous English mistakes that appear in Japanese advertising and product design.

2005-04-06T11:00:00.000-06:00

SOLAR DEATH RAY

The sun is bright. Don’t look at the sun or you will damage your eyes. Anything that focuses the sun will only make it more dangerous. The Solar Death Ray is dangerous. Don’t build one. I’m surprised I haven’t burned or blinded myself yet. The fumes from molten plastic can’t be good either. Don't play with fire.

2005-04-06T06:06:00.000-06:00

PEEPS RESEARCH

As we plunge into the 21st century, it is time we take a closer look at the technological wonders we create. Here, we try to discover just a little bit more about the world around us through the miracles of science, technology, and preservatives.

2005-04-05T20:35:00.000-06:00

SKETCHES OF BIGFOOT

It is the goal of the Texas Bigfoot Research Center to validate what we believe to be an undocumented species of bipedal, nocturnal primate commonly referred to as Bigfoot or Sasquatch.

There are several misconceptions regarding the creature we call Bigfoot. Some people consider this creature to be a monster. Bigfoot is not a monster. We are dealing with a primate, an elusive primate, not a monster, the “missing link”, a shape-shifter from another dimension or an extra-terrestrial being. There are many regional names that these creatures are called. Sasquatch, wildman, booger, bush ape and skunk ape are some of the more common ones.

For hundreds of years in Texas, neighboring states and across North America, credible witnesses, with nothing to gain, have reported encountering enigmatic animals that fall within the physical and behavioral profiles for bigfoot or sasquatch. These compelling reports continue today with no signs of abating.

2005-04-05T13:42:00.000-06:00

BARBIE ENCHILADA

A statement about culture.

2005-04-05T11:59:00.000-06:00

ETIQUETTE HELL

I think this site is so underrated, and everyone needs to read a few posts and learn how not act. This whole site serves as a wonderful cautionary tale of what not to do.

2005-04-04T23:57:00.000-06:00

AXE HEAD

How to say, “Oh my god! There’s an axe in my head,” in various languages — 112 TRANSLATIONS NOW AVAILABLE. The Web’s #1 Axe In My Head Page. Latest translations are presented in boldface.