DENNIS FOR POPE

In order to stimulate the global economy, I will lower the standard tithing rate from 10 percent to 9 percent. And no, there will not be a lower rate applied to income from stock dividends and capital gains. There is no place for trickle-down economics in a church.

The archaic rule prohibiting the consumption of meat on Fridays was initially enacted at the behest of the fishing industry. Although this edict has been scaled back in recent years to encompass only Lenten Fridays, it is time to do away with it altogether. The oceans are already overfished, and some modern diets rely on meat as an essential protein source. If I am elected, I vow to be an Atkins-friendly Pope.