DESTROY THE PLANET

Destroying the Earth is harder than you may have been led to believe.

You’ve seen the action movies where the bad guy threatens to destroy the Earth. You’ve heard people on the news claiming that the next nuclear war or cutting down rainforests or persisting in releasing hideous quantities of pollution into the atmosphere threatens to end the world.

Fools.

LIVEWRONG

The purveyors, or perpetrators, of LIVEWRONG suggest you represent what you want, when you want, how you want. Buy a bracelet. It is what it is. Use it as a paper weight or a cat collar. It is all up to you.

BALD R US

Encourage men everywhere to “Just Say No” to rugs, drugs and plugs.

POPE TOAST

Before we even turned on the news or opened the paper this morning, we knew that the Vatican had chosen a new pope. How? Well, as we were making toast for our breakfast, a puff of white smoke issued from the toaster. Then we were amazed to find what was surely a sign from on high: a piece of toast emblazoned with the unmistakable image of Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, the new Pope Benedict XVI.

HOW TO SPEAK PROPER

As a rule of thumb, we equate “correct” New European vocabulary with “Victorian English.” It is also appropriate to pepper the character’s speech with equivalent expressions from another language if s/he is not actually British. The list shows the “proper” Falkensteinian usage versus the modern-day American equivalent.

GARBAGE-CAN FUN

Along with a new year comes a new version of CrazyKent.com! Sure, it’s already a month into 2005, but that’s no reason to not have a new site for the new year, right? Tons of new fun is here for you to enjoy and for me to keep hard at creating. This new version still has a ton of work that needs to be done for it to look and feel the way I am trying to achieve. Either way, I’m happy to have this online as it is because it makes me smile. I like smiling, and I like making you smile! It’s just so fun.

FOOD ANOMALIES

Two visions of evil — in pancake form! There Fritz was, making the Euro version of pancakes (thin... served with jam & ice cream) then, as he tells it: “as I poured the last of the batter I unwittingly released Evil Pancake, aka Mr Pancakeohead. Shudder... You can almost hear his demented cackle and you can clearly see his snag tooth and chin wart.” Wisely, he did not consume this evil specimen.

READY-MADE EXCUSES

Things go wrong — which is awfully annoying of them — and then comes the really difficult thing: explaining what happened. What do you do when the old excuses (my dog ate it, it’s in the mail, mistakes were made) have been used once too often? Why, you come to Metaverse for one of 3.6 million different convincing, ready-made excuses!

ICIM STUFF

I can’t; I’m Mormon.

YOGI BERRA QUOTES

If you ask me a question I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.

It ain’t the heat; it’s the humility.

It’s deja-vu all over again.

You should always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise they won’t come to yours.

The only reason I need these gloves is ’cause of my hands.

You can’t think and hit at the same time.

EVIL OVERLORD LIST

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

FLATULENCE-D

This product will eliminate your flatulence odor problem as soon as you start using it.

PORTA-LUNG

The Porta-Lung provides noninvasive ventilatory support for long-term respiratory patients who need more portability than the iron lung allows, while maintaining the same level of ventilating efficiency.

The Porta-Lung’s complete body coverage provides a level of efficiency that is equal to all other forms of negative pressure ventilation.

HEROES OF THE TORAH

This item is temporarily out of stock.

SUGAR BUSH SQUIRREL

Being an International Superstar and The World’s Most Photographed Squirrel, Sugar Bush loves to dress up, and has over 1,000 outfits with matching hats and accessories. Sugar Bush Squirrel has her own, posh studio with an elaborate stage and thousands of stage props, and has posed for over 1,000 photos since her modeling career began. As News Anchor of SNN-The Squirrel News Network, she has turned the catch phrase, “you’ve been squirreled” into an overnight success. It is fast becoming her very own, international, household expression.

PAPER PLATE PROJECTS

Make an astrolabe-like instrument to measure the altitude of celestial objects.

BOO BERRY

Many of you probably get up and go to work to the same job and do the same work every single day. Now, all of this is fine and dandy, but for as long as you can remember you’ve had a strange feeling that something has been missing from your life. You can’t put your finger on it, but you just have this feeling that you're life is incomplete. Something is definitely missing.

Could it be a healthy breakfast that is capable of turning your mouth blue?

NADA

NaDa™ is a new concept. A thought, really. It is very light : 1 byte. It doesn’t take long to fetch. It doesn’t take long to understand. It doesn’t disturb your habits nor does it makes you feel insecure. It is a reassuring piece of software that does nothing, and does it very well. That’s a lot!

PAGE NOT FOUND

C:\> query result: error - 404

RATE THIS CARDINAL

Has this Prince of the Church GOT WHAT IT TAKES?

FINGER TRICK

Tonight I hit upon a shocking anatomical secret: your fingers, if photographed in a certain close up way, are practically indistinguishable from pictures of thighs and buttocks.

The world could use a good laugh right now, so have at it!

MISUSED QUOTATIONS

You’ve “seen” them.

Maybe on a sign at the “grocery” store, maybe in an ad in your “local” newspaper. Perhaps even in a “memo” that circulated throughout your company.

They’re quotation marks, and they turn up in the strangest of places.

BREATH AWAY

Finally, the power of napalm in a mint.

REMEMBER WHEN?

i used to believe is a collection of ideas that adults thought were true when they were children. it will remind you what it was like to be a child, fascinated and horrified by the world in equal parts. the following pages will reassure you that the things you used to believe weren’t so strange after all...

GERMAN RENTAL

rentagerman.de offers a wide range of Germans for your personal and social needs.

You can select the German of your choice for an exclusive lifetime experience: Imagine to appear with your German at parties, family events, or just hang out with them at the local shopping center.

No matter which occasion you choose, you will surely impress your environment by presenting an original German.

VIVID COLORS

How about synchronizing your pets with your favorite colors?

DEADLY TOYS

One of the great things about toys from a while back was that they were made with one thing in mind, playability. Sure, they may have had lead paint, or would blow up in a kid’s face, but they sure were fun. Once the Consumer Products Safety Commission got their mitts on everything, it all went downhill. Toy guns were spray-painted orange, and the sharp edges of everything have been rounded down to safe boring nubs.

MICHAEL’S NOSE

After years of modification it seems to have finally given up! Do you know what Mr. Jackson’s nose looks like now? Do you remember what it used to look like?

WHICH CHEMICAL AM I?

Aristotle was a wise man, but he greatly underestimated the number of elements that we would need to rationalize 20th century science. This test is going to figure out which 20th century element you are... and there are many. This test has been rigorously not-tested, and so you have my apologies if you all end up something lame.

GROCERY LIST COLLECTION

View other people’s grocery lists.

WIENERMOBILE NEWS

Everything you’ve ever wanted to know about everybody’s favorite wiener-on-wheels, the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile™ Vehicle! What is it made of? How has it changed over the years? And what in the world is a Hotdogger anyway?

POKEY THE PENGUIN

Pokey, look. It’s a boxing glove, possessed by the Devil!

MR. COLLECTION

Welcome to the Howie Green Design “Mr. Collection” - a collection of photos and images that showcases how the American sense of etiquette and style is ingrained into our culture...we even name our products and businesses in a formal and proper manner.

WHOOPEE CUSHION

Please click me.

DENNIS FOR POPE

In order to stimulate the global economy, I will lower the standard tithing rate from 10 percent to 9 percent. And no, there will not be a lower rate applied to income from stock dividends and capital gains. There is no place for trickle-down economics in a church.

The archaic rule prohibiting the consumption of meat on Fridays was initially enacted at the behest of the fishing industry. Although this edict has been scaled back in recent years to encompass only Lenten Fridays, it is time to do away with it altogether. The oceans are already overfished, and some modern diets rely on meat as an essential protein source. If I am elected, I vow to be an Atkins-friendly Pope.

THE UNCYCLOPEDIA

Air Guitars are similar in shape to normal guitars, with the notable difference that they are made entirely out of air. Air guitars typically have 6 strings and 24 frets. Although acoustic air guitars are available, electric air guitars are by far the most popular.

SOUP JOKES

ONCE UPON A TIME, a waiter brought a bowl of soup to a customer...and it had a fly in it.

What was it doing in the bowl? "Looks like the breaststroke, sir."

Badaboom. Not very funny.

What if it's a dead fly? Then the waiter says, "Well, you asked for something with a little body in it." Or, "It must have committed insecticide." Or, "Yes, sir, flies aren't very good swimmers."

And what if the customer merely exclaims, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" Then that witty waiter might say: "Don't worry, sir, the spider in the bread roll will get it." Or, "That's possible, the chef used to be a tailor." Or, "Now that fly knows a good soup." Or, "No, sir, that's the essential vitamin bee." Or, "Don't worry, it's not hot enough to burn him."

Worse and worse. Are you detecting a pattern here? These jokes are not funny.

ANIMAL NOSES

The lovely tapir photography is courtesy of Sheryl Todd, Ingo Behrmann (the photographer), and the Tapir Gallery, which is part of the charitable Tapir Preservation Fund. Check ’em out! The hallelujah cow nose, the Florida softshell turtle nose, and the horse nose are courtesy of Cubes; Laura took the one of the yak tongue, the ferret is Bronski’s ferret (RIP), and the rat was Hugh’s rat (RIP).

PIECE OF PI?

Pi Day openly promotes the celebration of mathematics education, the collective enjoyment of mathematics, and the ageless, multicultural interest in pi. Educators, students, and parents are encouraged to join together in a variety of public activities, expressing in imaginative ways, their passion for the longstanding creative nature of mathematics.

ENGRISH

Engrish can be simply defined as the humorous English mistakes that appear in Japanese advertising and product design.

SOLAR DEATH RAY

The sun is bright. Don’t look at the sun or you will damage your eyes. Anything that focuses the sun will only make it more dangerous. The Solar Death Ray is dangerous. Don’t build one. I’m surprised I haven’t burned or blinded myself yet. The fumes from molten plastic can’t be good either. Don't play with fire.

PEEPS RESEARCH

As we plunge into the 21st century, it is time we take a closer look at the technological wonders we create. Here, we try to discover just a little bit more about the world around us through the miracles of science, technology, and preservatives.

SKETCHES OF BIGFOOT

It is the goal of the Texas Bigfoot Research Center to validate what we believe to be an undocumented species of bipedal, nocturnal primate commonly referred to as Bigfoot or Sasquatch.

There are several misconceptions regarding the creature we call Bigfoot. Some people consider this creature to be a monster. Bigfoot is not a monster. We are dealing with a primate, an elusive primate, not a monster, the “missing link”, a shape-shifter from another dimension or an extra-terrestrial being. There are many regional names that these creatures are called. Sasquatch, wildman, booger, bush ape and skunk ape are some of the more common ones.

For hundreds of years in Texas, neighboring states and across North America, credible witnesses, with nothing to gain, have reported encountering enigmatic animals that fall within the physical and behavioral profiles for bigfoot or sasquatch. These compelling reports continue today with no signs of abating.

BARBIE ENCHILADA

A statement about culture.

ETIQUETTE HELL

I think this site is so underrated, and everyone needs to read a few posts and learn how not act. This whole site serves as a wonderful cautionary tale of what not to do.

AXE HEAD

How to say, “Oh my god! There’s an axe in my head,” in various languages — 112 TRANSLATIONS NOW AVAILABLE. The Web’s #1 Axe In My Head Page. Latest translations are presented in boldface.

BUILDING WITH PENNIES

All stacks of pennies were done without any glue. Only the weight of the pennies provides the support. Behold the humble Penny!

ZOMPIST PHRASEBOOK

There’s a corpse on the bed. Please change the sheets.

Il y a un cadavre sur le lit. S’il vous plaît, faites changer les draps.

Hay un muerto en mi cama. Por favor, cambie las sábanas.

Da liegt eine Leiche auf dem Bett. Bitte wechseln sie die Laken.

PARENT’S PRIMER

Leet (a vernacular form of “elite”) is a specific type of computer slang where a user replaces regular letters with other keyboard characters to form words phonetically—creating the digital equivalent of Pig Latin with a twist of hieroglyphics.

CHINESE SNACKS

The challenge was formidable, but two brave souls accepted.

FORT THOMAS

An option for people with lots of boxes and too much caffeine

NOSE-PICKING GLOSSARY

The Kiddie Pick: When you’re by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there’s no time limit!

BIGGEST HORNS

Lurch was born October 11, 1995 in Missouri, and came to live with me at 5 weeks of age. As he grew up, his horns grew very slowly! However, at about 2 years old it became increasingly apparent that something was going on with those horn bases and people began to take notice. At 3 years old he was already the largest horn circumference known, but since he was actively growing I decided to wait on the Guinness certification.

THINGS THAT DON’T MAKE SENSE

DON’T try this at home. Several times a day, for several days, you induce pain in someone. You control the pain with morphine until the final day of the experiment, when you replace the morphine with saline solution. Guess what? The saline takes the pain away.

CONTORTIONIST SLEEPERS

Cats are championship sleepers. They spend a lot of time practicing sleep and have perfected the art of the catnap. A sleeping cat can be a soothing, comforting sight.

Or an extremely silly sight. Because some cats sleep in poses and positions that simply cannot be believed, poses that would make a contortionist wince.

LEPRECHAUN WATCH

The leprechaun Irish fairy watch camera is in a hidden location in a field overlooking a fairy ring in Tipperary, Ireland. In a dip in the Glen of Cloongallon, Ballyseanrath lies the fairy ring itself. It and its fairy inhabitants are shielded by trees ranged around the perimeter, mainly chestnut, with one magnificent oak over 600 years old. Over the years it provided leprechauns with acorns for their pipes and other Irish fairies with shelter. The tree is protected by an Irish fairy known as a skeaghshee or tree spirit. The camera is concealed in a cavity in its trunk, and a branch supports an antenna! If you see anything please help us by reporting your sighting!

BUFFO THE CLOWN

Buffo is not an ordinary clown. This gentle giant weighs in at over 200 pounds and has biceps that are bigger than most men’s thighs. He juggles bowling balls as well as hatchets, meat cleavers, fire and chain saws - as long as they’re not turned on! He rips telephone books in half and balances extension ladders and children sitting in chairs on his face. He lies on a bed of nails buried under a stack of cement blocks and walks on broken glass and machetes in his bare feet. He makes animals appear and disappear and escapes from chains, ropes, handcuffs and a strait jacket. He can unicycle, stilt walk, eat fire, ride a buffalo and has a little clown car as well as two big clown trucks, one even has its own stage. He even has a little dog that does almost as many tricks as he does!